Whisper of Surrender Read online

  “No, you know what?” she grabbed her purse, “I love you, Ethan. And I’m willing to fight for you and for us. But I’m not going to beg you to tell me that you love me too. You’re a grown-ass man. If you love me, do something about it. If not, leave me the hell alone.”

  And with that, she turned and walked out of his house…maybe for the last time. And her heart truly broke…for the first time.

  CHAPTER 26

  “I want to cut it all off.” Brynn sat in Jess’s chair and studied herself in the mirror.

  “You want the breakup cut?” Jess had been half-tempted to get one herself, but she loved her hair too much.

  “The what?” Brynn lifted her gaze to meet Jess’s in the mirror.

  “The breakup cut,” Jess restated.

  “I’m not familiar with it.”

  “Really?” Jess was sure everyone had heard of it. “A lot of girls chop off their hair after a breakup.”

  “Why?”

  “I think it is symbolic of a fresh start and makes them feel like a new woman.”

  “Well, I definitely wouldn’t mind feeling like a new woman, but sadly I don’t have a breakup to attribute it to. I would’ve actually had to be in a relationship for that to be the catalyst.”

  “When was the last time you were dating someone? Seriously dating them, I mean.”

  Brynn’s eyes shifted to the left as she pondered. “I guess it would be about five years ago…yeah, it was. I remember because it was Ryder’s eighth birthday and Tim had promised to take him and his friends to the water park but he bailed to go to a music festival.”

  “Tim Wilburn?” Jess hadn’t even remembered the two of them dating.

  “Yeah.”

  “Asshole.” Jess never really liked the guy. There’s a fine line between confident and cocky, and Tim always seemed to cross that line.

  “He wasn’t, not really. He was just flakey and not ready to take on the responsibility of dating someone that’s a package deal entails.”

  “You’re much more forgiving than I am.” Ethan’s face popped up in Jess’s mind. It had a tendency to do that, oh about, every other second of every minute of every day.

  They hadn’t spoken since their fight four weeks ago. She’d almost picked up the phone to call several times, but her pride had stopped her. Maybe one day she’d be able to talk to him and see him and it wouldn’t feel like someone was stomping on her heart with irrigation shoes, but that day hadn’t come yet.

  Brynn ran her fingers through her long strawberry-blonde hair. “I was thinking more along the lines of a color change-”

  “No.” Jess interrupted. “Do you know how many people pay big bucks to have your hair color? I took an oath to uphold the laws of natural beauty, and I, by the powers vested in me, by the state of Illinois, can’t, in good conscious, break that oath by dying your hair.”

  “An oath to uphold the laws of natural beauty?” Brynn repeated. “The powers vested in you by the state of Illinois?”

  “Yes.” Jess nodded.

  Brynn chuckled. “Okay. What about the breakup cut? How short would you go?”

  Jess explained what length she would recommend for Brynn’s sweetheart face shape and she listened intently and watched as Jess mocked the style she was thinking of by lifting the ends to show where they’d fall around her face.

  When she finished explaining it, Brynn considered the change in hairstyle for a moment, then took a deep breath. “Okay, do it.”

  “Are you sure?” Jess had seen this happen before. Women came in with a gung-ho attitude for a change and then once she gave it to them, they immediately had buyer’s remorse. Jess never remembered Brynn having her hair any shorter than mid-back. This cut would have it falling to her shoulders. “We can do something less drastic. We can do layers.”

  “No. I want drastic. I need drastic.”

  “Is everything okay? Things have been so busy I feel like we haven’t really seen each other.”

  Things hadn’t been that busy for Jess. Actually she’d been hiding out and licking her wounds. She went to work and then back home again and had been avoiding her friends. But she was going to be forced out of her self-imposed hibernation in two days for Ali’s wedding.

  “Just family drama.”

  “Is it Max?”

  Jess didn’t really know Brynn’s ex-husband all that well. They’d been high school sweethearts, she’d gotten pregnant at sixteen and they got married. The marriage hadn’t lasted due to Max’s dating life not slowing down, and she was divorced by the time she was old enough to vote. Her ex had moved to Chicago shortly after that and only came back to town sporadically to see Ryder.

  “No. He flaked on seeing Ryder again last weekend, but that’s nothing new. Ryder doesn’t even pack anymore, he just waits to see if Max shows up and then throws some clothes in his backpack if he does.”

  “Is it your mom? Is she okay?”

  Brynn’s mom had owned a shop that sold crystals and was a self-proclaimed spiritual guide. When Jess was ten she’d used money she’d received for her birthday and bought several crystals that were supposed to have healing powers. She still had them in her nightstand.

  Margo left and moved to Palm Springs a couple of years ago. Right around the time Jess had her heart transplant.

  “Yeah, she’s fine. It’s my dad, actually.”

  As far as Jess knew Brynn had never known her father.

  “I didn’t know you were in contact with him.”

  “I’m not. Not really. I barely even know him. When I was a kid he’d show up a few times a year and stay for a few days and I thought that was normal. I thought that’s what all dads did. But when I got a little older and went to school I realized a lot of kids lived with their dads. I asked my mom about it and she told me that my dad was married and had another family that he lived with. At the time, I really didn’t understand what that meant, I just sort of accepted it. But when I was a teenager, I Googled him and found out he was a politician. I saw pictures of his family. He has a wife and four kids. One of his daughters was born the week before I was. For some reason, that made me never want to speak to him again.

  “I think the last time I did was when he stopped by after Ryder was born. But, last week he called and left me a message saying he was going to be out of reach for a while. Then the next day I saw his face on all of the morning shows. He’s in some trouble—”

  “Wait! Is your dad Senator Wilson?”

  “Yep.”

  “Wow.” Jess had noticed the news stories about the senator from Massachusetts because Brynn’s dad had Hollywood good looks, but she hadn’t really paid attention to what was going on.

  “Yeah, it’s been a little surreal. And I don’t know, I just want a change.” Brynn looked like she was running from ghosts of family past. “Anyway, what about you? How are you doing post-Ethan? Have you talked to him?”

  “No.” Not since I told him he was chicken shit.

  Jess had replayed that conversation over and over again in her head and as much as her delivery left a lot to be desired, she wasn’t upset that she’d said the things she had. She might’ve been able to choose better words to use, but she stood behind the sentiment.

  She had honestly believed that Ethan would follow her to her car.

  He didn’t.

  Then when she got home, she’d been sure he was going to call her or show up.

  He didn’t.

  She told herself he just needed a little time to get his head out of his ass and once he did, he’d come crawling back to her.

  He didn’t.

  He’d done exactly what she’d asked him to do if he didn’t love her. He’d left her the hell alone.

  “I’m sorry,” Brynn said sincerely.

  “Me too.” A sad smile tugged at Jess’s mouth as she picked up the scissors. “Are you ready?”

  Brynn lifted her soda can. “To fresh starts.”

  Jess tapped the scissors. “To fresh starts.”


  As much as she hated it, that’s what she needed. A fresh start.

  CHAPTER 27

  Ethan stood out on the deck at Lanterns and stared at the moonlight reflecting off of the surface of the water and relaxed after fulfilling his best man duties for the day. It had been an emotionally draining few hours and he was trying to recharge.

  Being around Jess was painful. Physically painful. He’d gone through withdrawals after going cold turkey on her. And now, just seeing her in even this small dose was shooting him back into a painful detox.

  He craved her. He needed her. He loved her. Just being near her was a test of willpower and it wasn’t helping that the entire day had been about celebrating love.

  Ali and Kade’s ceremony was beautiful, simple, and his favorite part: short. And now they were all gathered for the private reception. He and Jess had given toasts. Ali and Kade had played a video of Patrick from years ago predicting the two of them getting together. It was strange to see and hear his friend again.

  It made him wish he had more videos of his dad. He’d been missing him a lot lately. He’d never wanted fatherly advice so bad in his entire life.

  From the time he could remember making his own decisions, Ethan had been so sure about them. Things were clear, black and white. He’d known what he wanted out of life for so long. He’d wanted Jess and to be a cop. Now, now he wasn’t sure of either of those things.

  His grandma had a lot of thoughts on the matter, mainly that he was “making the biggest mistake of your life by letting that girl go”, but even she’d gotten fed up with him not listening.

  He’d been back on the job for a couple of weeks and it just didn’t feel right. And he hadn’t spoken to Jess in a month and that felt wrong. Nothing in his life made sense right now.

  Well, except Jess.

  She made sense. When he was with her everything was right. And she loved him. At least she had a month ago.

  He still couldn’t believe that he’d let her walk out of his house. There’d been so many times he’d picked up the phone to call her or started to run past her house, but he stopped himself every time, because each time he’d start to pick up his phone or get in his car to go see her, he’d imagine Lori’s tear-stained face as she laid flowers on Carter’s casket.

  He heard what Jess had said, but he just couldn’t reconcile loving her and the risk that he’d be asking her to take.

  When he heard footsteps on the wooden planks of the deck, he glanced up and experienced a split-second of hope. Hope that it would be Jess walking toward him. Over the past month, he’d grown used to experiencing that same flash of expectation. Every time his phone vibrated, he thought it might be Jess. Whenever he was out in town and saw a flash of dark hair, there was a moment where he was sure it was going to be her. If there was a knock on his door, he’d imagine it was her.

  The small high was always followed by the inevitable disappointment that came when his brain registered that it wasn’t her.

  “Hey, how are you feeling?” Bonnie asked as she stepped up to the railing beside him.

  “I’m good.”

  “Daisy just told me that you’re back on full-time. That’s great.”

  “Yep.” Ethan nodded.

  “Your dad would be really proud of you.”

  Her comment took him by surprise. No one really spoke to him about his dad.

  “You know,” Bonnie rested her hands on the railing, “I dated your dad.”

  “You did?” That really took him by surprise. He’d always thought that Jess’s parents had been together forever.

  “I did.” She nodded. “It was right before John and I got together. In fact, I think that your dad being my boyfriend was what finally got John over his shyness. It wasn’t anything serious, your dad wasn’t really the commitment type and we were young. Really young. But it was a fun summer.”

  “Wow. I had no idea.”

  Bonnie smiled. “I remember he talked a lot about leaving Whisper Lake. He wanted to live in the city, be a cop, and he didn’t want a family. Even at sixteen, I knew I always wanted to be a mom. He said that he wasn’t ever going to get married or have kids. He said that he’d never forget when two men had shown up at his door to tell his mom that his dad was gone. He said he never wanted to put anyone through that. I have to admit, I was pretty shocked when you—”

  “I’m not his. I’m adopted.”

  “I know. And that shocked me even more. He chose you. He didn’t just get someone pregnant. I remember running into him at Children’s Hospital in Chicago. I was there with Jess, she was about a year old and he was there getting your medical files to use for your adoption hearing. He told me about the night he found you and that he kept tabs on you. He said that you were his. From the moment that he found you, he’d known that. And whatever happened he wanted you to know that you were loved. You were chosen, you were his.”

  Hearing the things his dad had said had a lump of emotion forming in Ethan’s throat. He wasn’t sure what to say.

  “Mom!”

  Both he and Bonnie turned to see Jess standing in the doorway that led to the restaurant. She didn’t even glance in his direction. It was as if he were invisible. All day, she’d looked right past him, like he didn’t exist.

  “They’re about to cut the cake.”

  “I’ll be right there, sweetie.”

  He could see that Jess wanted to say more, probably for her mom to stop talking to the enemy, but she didn’t. She turned and walked back inside and like she did every time she left his presence, she took a piece of his heart with her.

  He heard a sniff beside him and looked to his left to see that Bonnie’s eyes were filled with unshed tears as she stared at the space Jess had just left.

  “What’s wrong?”

  Was Jess sick? Was her body rejecting the heart? He’d researched all of the risks after her surgery and he knew that she should be out of the woods for ninety percent of the complications, but he also knew anything could happen.

  “Nothing.” Bonnie shook her head. “It just still gets me sometimes, seeing her so healthy, so active, so alive. Seeing the flush in her cheeks.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Even if it is because she’s mad at you,” she smiled up at him.

  He wasn’t sure how much Bonnie knew about what went down between them. He knew the Myers were close, but he had no idea what Jess had shared.

  “Can I give you a piece of unsolicited advice?”

  “Please.” Ethan wasn’t just being polite. He’d welcome any advice that Bonnie had.

  “Jess loves you, and if I’m not mistaken, you love her too. I’m sure you have your reasons, just like your dad did, for not wanting to have attachments.”

  They were actually the exact same as his dad’s.

  “But even though your dad’s greatest fear came true, do you think he should’ve done anything differently? Do you think you would’ve been better off if he hadn’t pulled you out of foster care and adopted you? Or are you grateful for the time you had with him?”

  Ethan had honestly never thought about it like that.

  “In this world, there are no guarantees. Tomorrow isn’t promised for anyone. No one can control the future. Believe me, if they could, John would’ve figured out how to do it by now.” She chuckled. “All anyone can do is make sure that they show the people they love that they love them. The best that any of us can do is live each day showing the people that we love that we love them. That’s what living is, the rest is just existing.”

  Ethan stared at Jess’s mom as she walked back in and joined the party. He saw her walk up to her husband and when John saw her, his face lit up and he pulled her into his arms. Jess was standing beside them and he watched her watch her parents embrace while Ali and Kade cut the cake.

  She was happy for them, yes. But she also looked sad. And lonely. His soul recognized it, just liked he’d recognized her grief on the pier that day. He’d recognized it because he’d be
en feeling the exact same way.

  And then, like a flash, everything clicked into place. He was robbing them of happiness now because he was scared of what might happen in the future. Jess had been right. He was being a chicken shit.

  Well, he was done being scared. He just hoped it wasn’t too late.

  CHAPTER 28

  When Ali first brought up the idea of having her reception on the pier, two days after she got married and inviting the entire town, Jess thought she was crazy. But as she looked around and saw everyone celebrating, laughing, dancing, and drinking, she realized her bestie was brilliant.

  The festive atmosphere was contagious and Jess was determined to enjoy herself, even if a certain person was driving her crazy because he kept staring at her.

  Which you only know because you keep checking to see if he is, the voice in her head pointed out.

  And you’re disappointed when he isn’t, that same voice added.

  She wouldn’t say disappointed. It was more like irritated.

  Mostly at herself.

  The last two days Ethan had been calling, texting, and had even stopped by the shop. She’d ignored all of his attempts. She’d even hid in the back when he stopped by the shop and made Amelia lie and say that she wasn’t there.

  She was avoiding him.

  She told herself that it was because she needed a fresh start, but she was just scared. What if he didn’t love her, but he didn’t want to leave things how they were. Ethan was a standup guy. Her biggest fear was for him to ask her to talk and him start off by saying, “I’m sorry I led you on.”

  At least as long she avoided that conversation she could hold on to the hope that he actually had been in love with her. She wasn’t sure she could face a reality where what she had with Ethan really hadn’t been love.

  “Jess!” Ali waved her over from across the pier. “We’re ready for pictures!”

  Jess put her pity party on hold and set her drink down as she joined her friend.